oh my God...i wanna cry...after all the hard work, financial shortage, emotional burden and pails of tears, retorika 7 is coming to its end. as what sir joey said, 'lumalaki ang puso ko, lumiliit ang ribs ko, therefore, naninikip ang dibdib ko...' that was exactly how i could describe my feelings for the past few weeks but now, my heart is slowly going back to its normal shape, as well as my ribs, and i could feel my lungs take normal amount of oxygen.

sa lahat ng nag-iisip na madali maging comarts...pakyu!!! pakyu!!!

patawarin ako ng Diyos, pero makakapatay ako!!!

do you remember when Julia Clarete's life was featured in Magpakailanman? you might probably have not watched it, but i had. there was a scene there where julia attempted to commit suicide, amazingly, by trying to slash (or to dig a hole on) her wrist with a monggol 2 pencil. during that time i could not understand why would someone do such a stupid thing on the poor pencil. but now, my view has changed. why? because i'm actually near to doing the same thing. and as a matter of fact, any sharp object, even a toothpick, could make me commit suicide.

(note: i'm teary eyed while typing this entry. if it was because of the fact that i haven't had even a second of sleep in the last 30 hours, or that i really were near to crying, i'm not sure.)

after weeks of being a construction worker (or tsimay according to diana), i am now dividing my time on doing my tasks as part of the set design and props committee in Pagbulas ng Sibol, rehearsing my play for REtorika 7, rehearsing my roles in two of my classmates' plays, and my academics. just recently, i realized that dividing my time for those means sleep deprivation and difficulty in finding time to eat. if God would ask me what do i want to happen right now, i would eagerly answer, "father, i'm very willing to be struck by a lightning now! right now, father!"

and i would ask Him, "is there any possibility that You would change your mind about making suicide a mortal sin?You making it legal would do me a huge favor! "