January 19, 2006. Wala akong magawa in one of my classes kanina. hindi ko na babanggitin kung anong class yun. just ask other comm arts students kung anong subject yun, you'll get the same answer. boring talaga! as in b-o-r-i-n-g. i was really tempted to sleep. isang parte nalang ng katinuan ko ang hindi pumipirma at talagang makakatulog na 'ko. my sanity still prevails. gusto ko nang tumayo at sumigaw ng "Sir, ang boring niyooooooooo......." pero sabi ko nga, my sanity prevailed. bilang isang estudyante, alam ko naman na tungkulin kong magkunwaring nakikinig kahit sa totoo e, nag-shut down na ang utak ko sa mga sinasabi ng teacher ko.
i immediately thought of a way para hindi makatulog. inilista ko nalang ang mga new vocabularies na natutunan ko out of his mispronunciations of words. hindi ko na ilalagay dito. ayokong maging dahilan ng pagkakaroon ninyo ng kasalanan. sabi nga ni Roger Rosenblatt sa kanyang essay na "Oops! How's That Again?", "human beings are naturally mean". i think tama siya. we love it when people commit mistakes and bloopers. we laugh at them, and tell it to other people to make them laugh. sabi din niya, "we find conventional conversations so boring and predictable," kaya tuwang tuwa daw tayo pag mali-mali ang sinasabi ng kausap o pinapakinggan natin. from my own experience nalang, tama agad siya. i want something to do kaya i listed down my teacher's mispronounced words.
naging mean ba ko?
o bored lang talaga?

i don't know how i feel. gusto kong umiyak. actually, lagi nga akong umiiyak about it. buti na lang, kapag nakakaiyak ako, lumuluwag yung dibdib ko. tumatawa na ulit ako. pero pag naaalala ko na naman siya, andian na naman. i feel miserable. i feel lost. i feel alone. i feel unloved. buti na lang there are people who really cares for me. buti nalang there are people who shows they are there, no matter what happens. but still, when i'm alone, i feel it again. kaya i hate deserted places. i hate it when i'm alone.
it's about this person na since childhood, i've always doubted his love for me. but i never felt this way before. siguro kasi i never looked for him noon. i was content with the person who tried to cater my needs, my needs that he should've been the one to fulfill. i never felt miserable, because i never expected him to be there. but now, now that i am far from both of them, ngayon ko siya hinahanap. i want to feel him now. i want him to show me that he cares, even a bit. since childhood, i never wished him to come back, i just want to feel that he's there, no matter how far he is. i knew it then that we would never be whole again. i accepted it already. i just want him to love me, us. i loved him. i accepted his flaws. i accepted all the bad things that people say and do to us because of him. i pretended to be deaf, to be blind. i pretended that everything is normal. but now i can't. sobra na.
yes, he performs his obligations to me. pero it seems that he is forced to do so. he does not do it out of love. he does not do it because he cares. he just wants people to see what he does. na kahit iniwan niya kami, hindi niya kami pinabayaan. yun ang akala niya. we need more than that. i don't need the material things that he gives. i just want him to treat me the way he is supposed to treat me. but no. he doesn't care. he doesn't love me.
i don't want to see him.
I AM STARTING TO HATE HIM.

ay nga pala, matagal ko na 'tong gusto ilagay sa blog ko. galing 'to sa paragraph sa work ni Nick Joaquin na "culture as history". these are some of my favorite paragraphs.

"....to taunts by Asians on our lost soul, we respond with a mea culpa (apology) and not with a counter-charge. Where the hell were they before 1521? During the war the Japs strutting among us berated us for having become "Westernized" and bade us "come home to Asia. Since the Japanese never did for us, in our pre-west days, what Indian and Chinese civelization did for them, what business had they berating a culture they should have helped to nourish then but didn't."

another one is...

"Through the centuries of our supposed contacts with the Chinese, they were already a paper culture, we continued to write on treebark. Through the centuries of our supposed contacts with the Indons, they were already a book culture, we continued to write on treebark. And through the centuries of our supposed contacts with arabs, they were already print culture, we continued to write on treebark. But within thirty years of Legazpi we took the first step into paper culture, print culture, book culture."

just some food for thought about our country being westernized. who is to blame nga naman? the westerns or our asian neighbors who didn't pay attention to us before the westerns did? bakit parang laging galit ang mga historians sa mga westerns sa pagdadala ng western mindset sa ating bansa, imbes na sisihin ang mga asians na hindi man lang nag-effort magbahagi ng kanilang culture sa atin? yun namang mga hapon, naki-epal nalang nung nakikitang sinasakop na tayo ng west. di ba para pa ngang ang laki ng utang na loob natin sa west? Hay naku.

Well, ngayon lang ulit ako nag-visit ng blog. Not that i promised myself not to touch any computer nitong holiday season, i don't know, but everytime na i have the chance to visit an internet cafe, i always end up not going anyway. There were always reasons not to go. Once, i accompanied my cousin to a salon, magpapa-hot oil daw siya. "Tamang- tama, mag-ni-net ako while nagpapa-hot oil ka," sabi ko. Pagdating namin sa salon, biruin mong magbago ang isip ng aking magaling na pinsan! Magpapa-haircut lang daw siya na ayon sa bading na mag-gugupit sa kanya nang tanungin ko kung gaano katagal ang magpagupit sa kanya, "don't worry, it won't be long." At totoo naman. Magpapaalam pa lang ako sa pinsan ko, tapos na! Nagupitan na siya. Grrrrr...
The moral of my story? Meron nga ba? All things happen naman for a reason diba? Teka. Isip muna ako....Hmmmm...
Ayun, at least i realized na kaya kong mabuhay ng 2 weeks na hindi humihipo ng computer. Dito kasi sa elbi, two days lang ako hindi makapindot sa keyboard, nagi-guilty na 'ko. Feeling ko ang bano ko na sa computer. Kasi naman, bakit ba nagkaroon pa ng computer? Bakit may internet pa? Dagdag problema lang sa mga tao na mahilig mag-computer. Imbes na alak, sigarilyo, at kung anu-ano lang ang pwedeng pagka-adikan, pati computer dumagdag. Dagdag gastos. Itong blog na 'to. Bakit kailangang sa internet pa? Pwede namang sa notebook. Mas matalino nga ang mga tao nung sa notebook pa sinusulat ang diary at sulat-kamay ang journal. Bakit ngayon kailangan kong makipagsabayan sa pagkakaroon ng online-online journal na 'to. Tumalino ba 'ko? Nasagutan ko ba ang problema ko sa math? Hindi. Nagkagulo lang ang mundo. Nag-feeling matalino na ang mga tao na may access sa computer. Ang mga instructors, hindi na yung content ng papers na pinapa-submit ang tinitingnan kapag nag-check. Hinahanap na lang nila yung 1.5 o double spacing, Times New Roman na font at kailangan pang 12 ang font size at yung number of pages dun sa paper. Kaya ang mga estudyante, imbes na isipin yung ilalagay nila sa paper nila, naging conscious na lang dun sa mga binigay na standard na magiging hitsura nung paper nila. Tapos kapag may research works, sa computer pa rin ang diretso. Isang pindot nga lang naman, hola! Andian na ang research. Pagdating sa class proud na proud ang student, ang galing nga naman niya, may research siya. Hindi niya alam, para lang pinatunayan niya sa sarili niya na mas magaling maghanap ang computer ng research kesa sa kanya. Siya na may mata, utak, kamay at paa para ipanghanap ay dumepende sa isang hamak na computer. Hindi niya alam, mas proud yung computer.
Hay naku.
Pero wala naman akong magagawa diba? Basta gusto ko mag-computer. Mapapadali naman research works and paperworks ko. Care ko kung mas matalino yung computer sa 'kin? Andito na 'to. Uso na. May account na ko sa friendster, may e-mail add na 'ko. May blog pa. Magpapakatatag nalang ako. Susuportahan ko nalang sina Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, at kung sino sino pang henyo na may pakana ng mga computer na yan... Heheeh..

20 Things I've Done During The Christmas Break

1. Kumain.

2. Matulog.

3. Manood ng tv.

4. Sayawin habang inookray ang latest commercial ng rejoice (straight na natural, at 'di mahal......)

5. Hindi umuwi ng Marinduque.

6. Intayin ang Christmas.

7. Mainggit sa mga pinsan ko na namasko sa ninong at ninang nila. (Bakit kasi ang tanda ko na?!)

8. Makipagtawanan ng walang humpay with my cousins.

9. Mag-practice ng number namin nung New Year program. (Choral version ng "Tatlong Bear".)

10. Intayin ang New Year.

11. Deprive myself of computer.

12. I-attempt mag-practice sa Math. (Puro attempts lang talaga.)

13.Asarin ang mama ko. (Peace naman kami.)

14. Asarin ang mga pinsan ko.

15. Samahan ang pinsan kong magpa-parlor, magbayad ng electric bill, at mag-grocery.

16. Manood ng movies. (King Kong, Skeleton Key, The Corpse Bride, Mr. and Mrs Smith for the third time, and The Cave, Brothers Grimm pa
nga pala.)

17. I-pray na sana matagal pa before ang pasukan.

18. Gayahin ang dance steps ng dancers ng wowowee...(Yuck!)

19. Okrayin ang mga damit ni Kris Aquino sa "Pilipinas, Game ka na ba?"

20. Tumulong magluto, maglinis ng bahay, at kung anu-ano pang gawaing bahay.