i don't know how i feel. gusto kong umiyak. actually, lagi nga akong umiiyak about it. buti na lang, kapag nakakaiyak ako, lumuluwag yung dibdib ko. tumatawa na ulit ako. pero pag naaalala ko na naman siya, andian na naman. i feel miserable. i feel lost. i feel alone. i feel unloved. buti na lang there are people who really cares for me. buti nalang there are people who shows they are there, no matter what happens. but still, when i'm alone, i feel it again. kaya i hate deserted places. i hate it when i'm alone. it's about this person na since childhood, i've always doubted his love for me. but i never felt this way before. siguro kasi i never looked for him noon. i was content with the person who tried to cater my needs, my needs that he should've been the one to fulfill. i never felt miserable, because i never expected him to be there. but now, now that i am far from both of them, ngayon ko siya hinahanap. i want to feel him now. i want him to show me that he cares, even a bit. since childhood, i never wished him to come back, i just want to feel that he's there, no matter how far he is. i knew it then that we would never be whole again. i accepted it already. i just want him to love me, us. i loved him. i accepted his flaws. i accepted all the bad things that people say and do to us because of him. i pretended to be deaf, to be blind. i pretended that everything is normal. but now i can't. sobra na. yes, he performs his obligations to me. pero it seems that he is forced to do so. he does not do it out of love. he does not do it because he cares. he just wants people to see what he does. na kahit iniwan niya kami, hindi niya kami pinabayaan. yun ang akala niya. we need more than that. i don't need the material things that he gives. i just want him to treat me the way he is supposed to treat me. but no. he doesn't care. he doesn't love me. i don't want to see him. I AM STARTING TO HATE HIM.
